IMITATING KURT VONNEGUT, JR.

I just finished reading Breakfast of Champions by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., and on page 215, he explains his writing style in the book: “ . . . I resolved to shun storytelling. I would write about life. Every person would be exactly as important as any other. All facts would also be given equal weightiness. Nothing would be left out.” And then he added his own hand-drawn illustrations.

I thought I would try my hand at writing in the Vonnegut style. So here’s my impression of me, writing like Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., in Breakfast of Champions, giving every fact equal weight, leaving out nothing:

Margaret suspected her cupboards were empty. She hadn’t shopped in weeks. But she walked into her kitchen anyway, certain there must be a scrap of food somewhere. Her cupboards had never been entirely bare because this was America.

She knew there were starving children in foreign countries like the Philippines, which is an island nation in the Pacific where rice and pinakbet are the staples foods. However, this was Midland City, Illinois, where there were very few starving children. And even those children have access to the Midland Community Food Bank where various service groups like the Elks, the Rotary Club, and the Knights of Columbus at St. Joachim Catholic Church regularly raised money to replenish the shelves with canned food like Franco American Spaghettios and boxes of General Mills Cheerios.

General Mills was recently told they couldn’t advertise “lowers cholesterol” because it makes Cheerios sound like a drug.

Margaret opened the first cupboard door, and reached for an open box of stale crackers on the second shelf. They were Kellogg’s All Bran crackers. Kellogg’s is an American company which is the world’s leading producer of cereal and other grain-based convenience foods. Kellogg’s has been in operation since 1906 when the two Kellogg brothers first discovered how to make cold cereal by dropping small bits of rolled grain on a hot, flat stovetop. The All Bran crackers that she found were a relatively new addition to the Kellogg’s line of convenience foods, and the box looked like this:

There, that’s me, writing like Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., in Breakfast of Champions. All information is included and all facts are given equal weight. Plus I illustrated it, just like Vonnegut did.

Now the only thing left to do is wait for the publishers to come knocking on my door. After all, Vonnegut died in 2007, so the literary world is bound to be looking for his replacement.