Saturday, June 06, 2009


It’s early Saturday morning, and Tom is preparing to take off on a two-day fishing trip, his 800th fishing trip of the 2009 season. This is astounding because walleye season only opened on May 9, and already he has fished a total of 73,052 hours.

The reason I know this is because I have calculated it on my official “Wife Calculator.”

A Wife Calculator cannot be purchased in the Electronics Department at Target. It cannot even be purchased on the Hewlitt-Packard web site, which mistakenly boasts that the world’s most powerful calculator is the HP-33, a programmable scientific calculator for computing statistics, base-N, mathematical functions and fractions. No, the HP-33 pales in comparison to the power of the Wife Calculator.

In addition to adding up fishing hours, the Wife Calculator can also rapidly compute the number of hours spent playing golf, watching sports on television, or playing spider solitaire, while simultaneously creating an inverse ratio to time spent doing household chores carefully handwritten by above-mentioned wife on a lengthy to-do list. (For example: if household chores are X and leisure activities are Y, then X:Y is 1:653.)

It’s all very complicated.

The best thing about a Wife Calculator is that it never needs to be purchased. As soon as a woman signs her name on a marriage certificate in the presence of two reliable witnesses and a member of the clergy, the Wife Calculator is simultaneously, biologically implanted in her brain by an act of nature similar to a lightning strike on steroids.

It’s a miracle.

The garage door just went up and I heard the sound of a Ford Explorer engine starting. This quickly triggered a chemical reaction in my brain that jump-started the Wife Calculator, which immediately whirled into action. And that’s how I know that Tom just left on his 800th fishing trip to begin his 73,053rd hour of fishing.


j9 said...

This was funny. I giggled a lot during this one. I especially like that you used an X:Y ratio to get the point across.

Elaine said...

Did he catch anything? I mean fish.

Anonymous said...

You forgot to mention the powerful memory in the Wife Calculator...the portion that will NEVER let go of the numbers.

2to4aday said...

How could I have forgotten the memory!!!??? You're right--the wife calculator has 700 gigabytes of built-in, uncrashable memory. In her declining years, a wife may forget her husband's name, but she will NEVER forget the numbers!