RETIREMENT JOB

I don’t know why, but as soon as I announced my retirement date, everybody was full of suggestions about what my “retirement job” should be. I kind of had a mental image of myself lying in a hammock by Lake Ida wasting away in Margaritaville—excuse me for having a fantasy.

However, after thinking it through and realizing that idle hands are the devil’s playground, I finally found the perfect retirement job.

In the newspaper is an ad that reads: “Males and Females, ages 0-75+.” Okay, so far so good. “All Sizes.” Even better! “Needed for TV, magazines, etc., PT flexible hrs. We pay $50+/- per hr.” Holy cow! Better than teaching!! “No exp. req. Jobs start May/June.” Yes, yes . . . “Bring snapshot to Holiday Inn, I-94/Hwy. 29, Alexandria, MN Thur., May 15th anytime 7p.m.-10p.m.” YEA, I know where the Holiday Inn is!! “Under 18, bring parent.” Whew, lucky it’s not ‘under 60’ because I think my mother goes to bed at 7 p.m.

A snapshot, a snapshot . . . if I’m going to be a movie extra/actor/model/dancer/reality TV performer, maybe I should get some professional headshots.

I read once about a casting call for “inbred” look people. The producers wanted people who were extraordinarily tall or short, unusual body shape, unusual facial features (especially eyes)—kind of an other-worldly look. They also needed people with minimal muscle tone, long stringy hair, and a starved, ravaged appearance, and a thin man of any ethnicity who is missing one or both legs. Hmmm . . . maybe not.

I’m looking for a casting call for a “woman of advanced years of Nordic heritage, looks best in turtle necks, near-sighted, bespectacled, thick-waisted, with abundant upper-thigh cellulite, a tremulous chin wattle, and a slight mustache.” If I ever see an ad like that, the part is MINE and I’ve got myself a post-retirement job!

I’m going to dig through the family photo album, find a snapshot of myself, and head on out to the Holiday Inn on Thursday night. According to the fine print, for a “small registration fee” and a “recurring billing product,” I too can “take it to the next level and follow my dream.” I can be that maggot-filled cadaver on CSI, the swastika-tattooed inmate on Prison Break, or the non-speaking forklift operator on an episode of The Office. My new career is just a snapshot and a small registration fee/recurring billing product away!