WAR WITH CANADA

In the Friday, April 25, issue of the Fargo Forum, the headlines read, “U.S. Invades Canada.” Luckily, I caught the little blue disclaimer box in the corner that said FAUX NEWS (French for “Fox News,” I believe). I was dying to read the story; unfortunately, it happened to be in the newspaper on a day that I was too busy to read it. So I was hoping that Tom wouldn’t recycle the newspaper under the cats’ litter boxes before I had a chance to see what it was all about. Today, I finally had time to go out to the recycling bin in the garage, and there the newspaper was—pristine and clean. I did not have to lie down on my stomach in the laundry room next to the litter box and read the cat urine-soaked story after all.

The gist of the story was that back in 1930, the War Department developed a Plan Red in case England ever used Canada as a means to invade the U.S. The plan? Attacking Winnepeg from North Dakota, invading Quebec and Montreal from Vermont, and seizing all the Canadian ports on the Great Lakes and the Atlantic seaboard. As the author of the article said, “At that point, it’s just a matter of time before we bring these Molson-swigging, maple-mongering Zamboni drivers to their knees.”

Even more interesting was that Canada, as early as 1921, had a plan to invade us! The Canadian director of military operations (a man named James Sutherland “Buster” Brown), posing as a tourist, actually drove his own vehicle to the areas he thought Canada should invade (like Minneapolis) and took reconnaissance pictures with his own camera and picked up free maps at gas stations (really low budget operation).

Now in the 21st century, with these invasion plans declassified, we only have fake wars with Canada. I know from personal undisclosed secret sources that the U.S. Air Force and the Canadian Air Force stage fake wars every once in a while. (If I tell you how I know this for a fact, I will have to kill you. Therefore, we will leave my secret sources out of this discussion.) In these fake wars, the stakes are high. If the Canadian Air Force wins, sometimes the punishment is that the Americans have to say “eh?” for a week (as in “Nice day, eh?”). Visa versa, if the Americans win, the Canadians have to say “amazing” for a week (as in “Amazing day, isn’t it? That’s amazing! Your Air Force is amazing!”) Other times, the Americans just make the Canadians drink Bud Light, the ultimate humiliation if you are a Canuck. (5/3/08)